Information about…

80 Year-Old Kid

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Dr. Jeremy Scrines of the Scrines Aging Institute is credited for having successfully identified the first 80-year old kid some good while ago. The scientific community is always looking for new subjects to expand their knowledge of the enigma, although defining an 80 year-old kid has proven difficult. Every time an exhaustive list of features is published, someone spots an 80 year-old kid who fits all the current descriptions and yet does something NEW. The Monorailish scholar Dr. Bvick Vwavlavik famously noted that:

Our century has come to the conclusion that a comprehensive definition of 80YOK is not only impossible, but also very difficult to achieve.

Currently known ways to identify an 80YOK

  • Wears the gym shorts on his head

  • Pulls the wires out of your car

  • Mixes cornflakes up with nachos

  • Eats too much baloney sandwich

  • Sneaks in through the air duct passage

  • Makes a roadblock out of garbage

  • Talks to animals like prisoners

  • Puts a peppermint in the coin slot

  • Wears his gym socks just like mittens

  • Pushes all the floors on the elevator and then takes the stairs

  • Places a hambone on each of his shoulders

  • Breaks a dish when he doesn't even mean to

  • Tugs on his nose and it sounds like an air-horn

  • Asks you out for corn beef breakfast

  • Shoplifts batteries instead of candy

  • Dries out Andy's cigarette

  • Leaves the stove on when he drives to Midland

  • Grows tomatos on the golf course

  • Smokes shredded wheat like pipe tobacco

  • Wears his pants “all high and mighty”

  • Drops some cheesecake in your fishbowl

  • Drinks milkshakes of Metamucil

  • Puts one hand in his pants while watching the Jeopardy

  • Eats good Kentucky sandwich

  • Asks you if you wear a diaper

  • Hides his cigarettes inside the Bass Cannon

  • Doesn't remember who you are

  • Uses baby oil on his mustache

  • Pushes Uncle Olivia off the slide

  • Turns his towel into a whip

  • Picks up toys and makes them die

  • Makes you think he is a king

  • Creates a vacuum by spinning fast

  • Doesn't know what soccer is

  • Takes a rest on a pile of gold

  • Makes a pancake in the bathroom